Christian self-help for beginners

Some of the helpful and tactful self-improvement tips that I've been given over the years. Follow these, and you too can be a shiny happy person:

1. Stick bible verses on your mirror.
2. Stick bible verses in your bedroom.
3. Stick bible verses on your toilet seat (yes really).
4. When you read the bible, stand on another bible and then you'll really be standing on the word of god.
5. Problems like these are often the result of secret sin. Is there anything you'd like to confess?
6. Feeling bad about yourself is a sin, you know. You need to repent.
7. You're great! Well, no you're not, you're a vile sinner like the rest of us.
8. When you get home, contemplate your sins. (Can we feel a theme coming on here?!)
9. These things you believe about yourself are lies from the devil. Just don't believe them.
10. Imagine, when you get to heaven, Jesus will be there, and he'll say 'why did you waste your life?'
11. Well, I came round here to have a chat, but if you aren't going to have a deep and meaningful conversation I might as well go home. (Jumps up and leaves).
12. Spiritual person: Something very significant happened to you when you were 13
Me: Er, no, I don't think so
Person: Did you change school?
Me: No
Person: Parents divorced?
Me: No
Person: Bullied at school?
Me: No
Person: Illness?
Me: No
And so on..... until eventually I got: "Well, maybe if you pray about it god will reveal it to you".

Overheard 2

Might have posted this before, but it reminded me of a text exchange with my sister. I'd just read an 'overheard' column in the paper, which had the line "Imagine if your surname was Key, and your dad decided to name you Alan". I texted this to my sister and got the reply "Imagine being woken up by THAT". Oops.

overheard

Blogger seems to have decided I'm german, not sure why. Anyway...

Getting off the tube this morning I overheard this, delivered in a calm tone of voice:
Younger man: "I'll come with you".
Older woman: "If you come with me, I'll kill you. So don't come with me"

Can't help wondering what the back-story is for that exchange... The man stayed on the platform, obviously deciding not to take his life in his hands.

Wedding

I went to the slightly scary wedding at the weekend. Never did find some new clothes, so just reprised this year's wedding outfit. The scary guest just ignored me, which was fine by me. She did cause a bit of a scene by going missing in a strop, resulting in several people who didn't know her running around in a panic, while those of us with previous experience said reassuring things like 'oh she'll be fine, she knows where we are'. She was discovered hiding behind a grass slope in Asda's car park, which was probably not the scenario she'd envisioned for herself. Apart from that, all was good, and the happy couple are well and truly happy and coupled. Best (well, most amusing) comment of the day has to go to someone I haven't seen for a few years. She said "I can't get over how you look - you look..." (great? different? tanned?)... "like a girl!". I kind of thought I looked like a girl the last time I saw her as well, but apparently not. If I'd been quicker I would have said something like "well, the last time we met I was just having my gender reassignment", but I only ever think of these things afterwards.