Christian self-help for beginners

Some of the helpful and tactful self-improvement tips that I've been given over the years. Follow these, and you too can be a shiny happy person:

1. Stick bible verses on your mirror.
2. Stick bible verses in your bedroom.
3. Stick bible verses on your toilet seat (yes really).
4. When you read the bible, stand on another bible and then you'll really be standing on the word of god.
5. Problems like these are often the result of secret sin. Is there anything you'd like to confess?
6. Feeling bad about yourself is a sin, you know. You need to repent.
7. You're great! Well, no you're not, you're a vile sinner like the rest of us.
8. When you get home, contemplate your sins. (Can we feel a theme coming on here?!)
9. These things you believe about yourself are lies from the devil. Just don't believe them.
10. Imagine, when you get to heaven, Jesus will be there, and he'll say 'why did you waste your life?'
11. Well, I came round here to have a chat, but if you aren't going to have a deep and meaningful conversation I might as well go home. (Jumps up and leaves).
12. Spiritual person: Something very significant happened to you when you were 13
Me: Er, no, I don't think so
Person: Did you change school?
Me: No
Person: Parents divorced?
Me: No
Person: Bullied at school?
Me: No
Person: Illness?
Me: No
And so on..... until eventually I got: "Well, maybe if you pray about it god will reveal it to you".